


5 Signs Your Vampire Actually Loves You! by Jesse Custer

by ItsClydeBitches



Category: Preacher (TV)
Genre: 5 Things, Advice, Blogging, Gen, Humor, I honestly have no idea what to tag this..., M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 14:36:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9611765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsClydeBitches/pseuds/ItsClydeBitches
Summary: Ever worried about whether your vampire actually loves you or not? Never fear, for vampires show affection in a strange collection of ways and guest blogger Jesse Custer is here to explain it all!





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the gc 'prompt' that Cass shows Jesse that he loves him in really shit ways (bringing him dead things, beating people up, etc.) and based off of all those "Your Cat Really DOES Love You!" articles. 
> 
> FYI: I had fun with this one~

Seen the headlines lately? “Your Vampire Might Not Care About You, Study Suggests.” “Sorry, Vampires Just Can’t Love Us the Way Werewolves Do!” Fancy scientists have claimed for ages that vampires show no attachment to their owners, but I’m here to tell you what a stinking pile of bullshit that all is. The evidence of their devotion is so obvious that a goddamn blind man could see it, _and he’s blind_. They may not always be the best with words, but vampires show us love in a wide variety of ways—some common, others unique, most just downright weird. As someone whose lived with one of the bastards for years now, I’m here today as your spraying fountain of wisdom. So sit back, grab a beer, and take a dive into five of the freakiest ways vampires attempt to communicate that they actually do, sorta, kinda, almost, occasionally like us. Maybe.

 

Recognize some? Which of these signs has your vampire been displaying lately? Let us know in the comments!

 

(Except you, Donnie. Fuck you, Donnie.)

 

 

 

 

  1. **Your vampire frequently brings you “presents.”**



 

No, I’m not talking about the cheap bottle of whiskey he lifted from the nearest liquor store (though that’s appreciated too). Just keep your eyes peeled on the obits of your local newspaper. See anyone you recognize? Anyone who, say, might have given you the stink eye recently? Tossed out an insult? Even tried to throw a punch? If you do and they died in some gruesome, horrific manner reminiscent of a feral dog attack, then you might just have your vampire to thank for it.

 

Remember folks: they’re natural hunters through and through and keeping a vamp ain’t for the faint of heart. They’ll kill for you—never doubt it—but you know your vampire _really_ loves you when he starts bringing back souvenirs. Might be a fistful of hair, then maybe a hand... if he brings back the head then, aw man, give the guy some love in return! These tokens are the vampire’s way of showing you what they can offer in terms of protection and you should appreciate it accordingly, no matter how much the sight of a mangled, severed foot might put you off your lunch. Just remember to lay down some ground rules—like no body parts in bed or on the kitchen counter. Oh, and get rid of the shit later, obviously. Presents are all well and good, but it’s not much of a gift if it sends you to jail later.

 

Your vamp will get over it.

 

 

 

  1. **He maintains your territory.**



 

Similar to the above, you know your vampire is feeling nice and cozy at home when he starts defending his turf. Now don’t be alarmed if there’s a lot of cursing involved. Vampires live until they’re old as balls and they pick up more than a few choice phrases along the way. So if you’ve got guests over and your vamp suddenly tells them he’ll “fuck you sideways with the chainsaw I’ve got out back, ya filthy lil’ gobshite, don’t think I won’t,” don’t be too upset with him. That’s just his way of saying he cares.

 

However, not all types of territory marking are as easy to deal with as a simple faux pas. If your vampire starts saving ratty bits of clothing to use as restraints and gags (of the non-bedroom variety), or stockpiles cleaning fluids for impromptu bombs, or ropes your girlfriend into making a series of bazooka enabled traps around your backyard... it might be time for a chat about boundaries.

 

My vampire _did_ once pee on the mailman for delivering a love letter that wasn’t from him... but that’s a whole other situation and not at all common behavior. If you’ve experienced this too, shoot me an email. We’ll compare notes.

 

(Except you, Donnie. Again: fuck you, Donnie.)

 

 

 

  1. **He gives you love bites... that aren’t too hard!**



 

Vampires bite things. No fucking duh. For more on how to manage your vampire’s teething you can see my post here, but right now we’re discussing teething and _you_. Now, you’re more than welcome to get some of that store bought blood for feeding purposes—nothing wrong with a bit of the artificial stuff—but if you’re in the position both mentally and physically to manage it, feeding your vampire fresh is always better. Regardless, you might notice that, from time to time, your vamp will take a little nibble out of your neck, even though the greedy bastard just ate like, three minutes ago. Fucking awful, right? Well newsflash, readers: he ain’t actually greedy. I mean, maybe he _is_ , but that’s entirely beside the point. There’s a big difference between a feeding nibble and an affectionate one.

 

Mainly it’s the _amount_ of blood you loose in the process.

 

Still, ever noticed your vampire caressing your neck with his eyes from across the room? Or in your make-out sessions does he tend to focus mainly around your adam’s apple and chin? Does he have a particular hatred of scarves?

 

If you said ‘yes’ to any of these then congratulations! You’ve got an awkward immortal trying to tell you how he feels. Cut the murderous idiot some slack. Just make sure he doesn’t get _too_ affectionate. Or if he does, have emergency services on speed dial.

 

 

  

  1. **He stalks you night (and day)**



 

Nothing will get your throat torn our quite as quickly as comparing your vampire to a dog... but at the risk of dying an early, bloody death, I’m making that comparison. You know how dogs are stupidly clingy? Of course you do. They’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth, right at your heels and sniffing your ass the whole damn time. Vamps are just the same, minus the ass sniffing part. (Maybe.)

 

So don’t be surprised if early on your vampire stars following you around the house, awkwardly trying to keep close without making it seem like that’s what they’re doing. Don’t call him out on it though, not unless you want to send him sulking back to the shadows—literally. Don’t expect him to help with whatever it is you’re doing either. Washing dishes, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, patching up the recent bullet holes in your wall... you can’t be looking for another set of hands in all that because the bastards are lazy as fuck. Just let your vampire keep close—like a goddamn bloodsucking octopus—and keep your mouth sealed tight if he indulges in random, romantic shit like playing with your hair or nipping at your ear. Just let him do his thing. 

 

A warning as always though: your idiot vampire will try to do this during the day too, so get used to walking in the shade and always keep an umbrella in your bag. Yes, carry a bag. I don’t care if you think it’s a ‘purse,’ Donnie. Carry the basic shit your vampire needs or heaven help me, I will come down there and _make_ you carry it.

 

 

  1. **He head butts, cheek rubs, and strokes, uh... other parts of your body**



 

I know what you’re thinking now, doesn’t every self-respecting partner give a good back-rub once in a while? Or get a their nuzzle-nuzzle on? Well yeah, sure, but vampires are fucking pros at it. I’ll be frank, I don’t know all the sciency shit surrounding this one, but vamps just love to have a go at touching every goddamn part of your body they can get ahold of, be it through a quick press of their forehead to yours, or the most inopportune ass slap right in the middle of your sermon. It’s endless and really not something they can help, so you might as well learn to enjoy it.

 

Are you hearing me then? Picking up on the implications here? Am I being too subtle for you bastards?

 

I’m saying to go have some _fucking fantastic sex_.

 

There's nothing like it and I’ve got my fair share of experience to back that statement up. Go on now. Go enjoy your touch-loving vamp for a while.

 

I’ll wait here.

 

***

 

So there you have it. It’s true. The ways that vampires show their love can be a bit confusing to us humans, but as long as you understand their behavior for what it is—a.k.a. _not_ a brush off, you high-minded asswipes—you can learn to appreciate it; bloodbaths, severed limbs, and all. You love your vamp. Now you know your vamp loves you. Just make sure there’s a clear line of communication going on.

 

You communicate with your vampire, I’ll communicate with mine, and Donnie? Just don’t communicate with anyone.

 

Till’ the end of the world, readers.

 

***

 

**Contributor Bio**

_Jesse Custer_

 

Jesse Custer is an Annville, Texas based preacher and part time vampire whisperer. He and his girlfriend, Tulip, have been with their vampire, Cassidy, for three years now. They’re very happy together, a few apocalyptic crises aside.

**Author's Note:**

> All pics are from Creative Commons. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
